How I Cope: My Writing

With having very few friends before actually taking control of my life, I looked to food as my friend. Once I alleviated that from my life, and after losing my mother, I began to sketch and write almost daily. I just had something in me to get out. Years after my mom's passing, I have found artwork she had done and even poetry she wrote for my father, the first written exactly, to the date, 3 years before I was born. Odd? Not really? I write and sketch to keep her spirit alive. I also feel that I am like her a lot in the fact that I care a lot for others and put others before myself just like she had done.  In this post, I will share some of my favorite literary pieces that have kept me going. once again, no judgement. I just want to share. Not many people even know how much I have written or how much I enjoy the process.

The Only Way to Burn: 
Written After Our House Fire on November 15, 2014

Slowly climbing,
Shelf to shelf,
Flame by flame,
Clothes engulf.
Water can’t stop it,
There is no way,
It’s caught the wall,
Now to the attic it strays.
It engulfs the room,
And grows above the house,
Smoke filled,
Power’s out.
Father’s screaming,
Sister running,
Dogs are stuck,
Cat is hiding.
The family escapes,
With minor burns,
One dog makes it,
As they watch it burn.
Flames higher than the tallest tree,
Almost spreading to the next house,
Running and yelling,
To try and get them out.
Fire fighters arrive,
Check the surroundings,
Start breaking in,
To check the scene.
Electrically started,
The house is gone,
Burned, back roof,
With a whole side being gone.
The hose and water,
Start filling the frame,
Dripping through the sides,
Like it’s crying with pain.
The youngest daughter heard a crack,
The others didn’t hear it,
But that’s what happened.
The father’s face had secondary burns,
From trying to stop the fire,
Before it got worse.
The oldest daughter,
Got first degree going back in,
To make sure they got out safely.
This family lost their home,
But they have each other,
And that’s enough,
To start all over
How do I know of this tragedy?
This happened to me and my family,
At 2:30 in the morning.

Kristen LeBlanc

Someone I Never Got to Know: 
Written for My Grandfather, Basile Macera

You met me,

When you were 62.

Now I’m 23,

Saying good bye to you.

I regret,

Not getting to know,

The man,

Whose story became my own.

He married a woman,

Who loved him dearly,

Who gave birth to three children,

Katherine, Tony, and Cindy.

Katherine was my mom,

Someone else I didn’t get to know,

Who died with me by her side,

And was only 44 years old.

With life,

Comes death,

And by dying,

There is new life.

My only reason now,

For crying,

Is not getting to know my loved ones,

Before they said good bye.

Spending time with family,

Just isn’t the same,

As listening to tall tales,

Or something they say.

We meet up,

We talk and eat,

We hug and kiss,

Then leave.

We are wasting time,

Trying to get life to go by faster,

Missing out on what is right in front of us,

Instead of what’s long after.

I regret,

Never experiencing,

The knowledge he had,

Or the lessons she could give.

We have,

But one life to live,

Think before you decide to act,

Because this is it.

Kristen LeBlanc

More Than You: 
Written for My Boyfriend on Our 1 Year Anniversary 

To find someone,

Who doesn't care,

How you look,

Or what you wear.

They love you,

Every flaw,

You're the most beautiful,

Girl they've ever saw.

You may not think,

You're perfect,

But to them,

You're more than worth it.

A year has gone by,

And it seems like,

That just yesterday,

We said hi.

The connection between us,

Has done nothing,

But evolve,

Into a love so strong,

That others can't help,

But just watch.

They say we're a cute couple,

Even adorable,

But I say,

We're just inseparable.

We hate to stay,

Too far away,

From each other,

For too long,

But with every day,

We learn more.

A year seems like a while,

But to me,

It's just time,

Because we're happy as can be,

As you'll find.

Love has no favorites,

It doesn't know black or white,

So for my Boosky and I,

It's just right.

Kristen LeBlanc

Time Will Tell: 
Written After My Grandfather, Walter LeBlanc, Passed Away

There's only one who knows,

What will happen,

When a new day has begun,

And our eyes see the sun,

As it rises in the morning,

And sets at days end...

It's warmth lets us all know,

We're never,

Alone...

We don't need to travel,

To find a place,

To call home...

I reach up,

Towards the sky,

Waiting for a reply,

But realize you're busy,

Taking care of the world,

And I can only imagine, 

All you've seen and heard...

I'm patiently waiting,

To get my time with you,

Time to ask my questions...

I always ask but you answer,

One thing is always clear,

Time will tell...

Will tell me what to do...

Days seem to linger on,

When I sit waiting,

To feel you around,

Your presence welcomed,

Anytime and anywhere...

I'm never fearing,

What you have to say,

Just afraid of how to explain,

Everything I think,

And feel to be true...

There is but one thing,

That will never change,

And that is,

My faith in you...

I gaze up,

And just wonder what it's like,

To stand by your side,

Holding your hand,

As I try not to cry...

I can only imagine,

All you've thought and done...

I'm taking my turn,

To ask away,

To feel complete and free...

You comfort me,

Quietly saying,

Time will tell,

Time will make it all easy...

I let it all go,

And not hold back,

Anything I feel,

But just show,

The world that,

Nothing is hopeless,

But there is always,

A place in heaven,

To call our own...

A place that will one day be,

Our final home...

I raise up my heart,

In honor of all you've done,

For all of us and slowly see,

A rainbow run across the shy,

As the sun shines brightly,

Showing all its colors,

In full force...

Smiling from ear to ear,

I sing my soul's song,

Then collapse in prayer,

Still listening to your words...

Time will tell,

Me what is next on my journey,

Of getting closer to you.

Kristen LeBlanc

My first ever poetic piece was written right after my mom passed away back in 2006. I do not have it typed out but it was published in a book. Once I find the book that is among some of the items that made it through the fire, I will add it under the last piece above. God bless you all for taking the time to read my work. It means so much to me. 

How I Cope: Artistically

Most people do not know me as much more than an old high school friend or a math tutor from where I work. Some even know me as the crazy gym rat. There are other things that I enjoy doing besides what people expect from me.  Artwork being one of them.

After my mom passed away, drawing was the first thing that I did to cope with missing her.  I spent a lot of my time trying to keep myself occupied to forget about losing her.  

The picture of the angel on the right was done graphically in one of my Graphic design classes that I took in college while earning my Associates. We were only given the face to work with, which was half of a metal mask.  This is what I saw from it and how I decided to render it. 

The painting above is actually a water color piece that I rendered using a photo I had taken as a reference.  It was a step by step process as seen from photo to photo. I did my lights and slowly got to my darker shades.  

I do not have just one medium that I do but I do have a favorite that I enjoy. Stippling, or as some call it, pointilism, is the use of dots to create a picture.  The picture above of my bf's and I's hands are done totally in ink dots.  It may take a while to complete but it truly is worth it. 


These are but a few of my pieces.  I sadly lost all of these in the house fire my family had, even the graphic piece.  The flash drive it was on melted.  I am currently trying to redo some pieces and make some new ones as well. Years and years of work is gone.  Yeah you can say it is material items, but, it was hard work and items that meant a lot to me. I will eventually have more, better pieces but I do miss the older ones..

Venturing From The Expected Norm

When people think about exercise, most just think about women on cardio machines and men hanging by the weights.  The stereotype gets placed on the two different genders to be a certain way.  When someone ventures from the norm, people tend to judge. They also tend to question why someone would do something besides what society seems to have placed on their sex.  You have female weight lifters, female body builders and men who are competitive when it comes to triathlons or marathons.  So, to say that something is meant only for one person is just absurd. You have no idea what the other person's goals are or what they hope to accomplish.  You only know what you are working towards and place your opinions on how others should be.  That's where the world is wrong....

If someone were to look at me, just as an example, and you had never met me before, you might consider me crazy.  I'm not a woman to like or enjoy cardio.  I even find it rather boring but we all need to do cardio to help our heart stay strong.  I enjoy strength training much more and consider myself a weight lifter.  I do not wish to compete or challenge anyone besides myself. After losing over 200 pounds then gaining about 40 back due to weight training, I now have been working even harder to tighten up the loose skin I have.  

I have made several friends just from working hard on my goals.  People approach me, asking me, how much weight have I lost since joining Planet Fitness. When I say no, i sometimes even have people fighting me until I explain my overall situation and then I flex for them.  They are amazed and congratulate me all the time. I do not need to be congratulated.  I need to be understood and supported.  I'd do the same for anyone who'd want me to help them out.  I can't make someone understand why I do what I do or what I choose to do because I am the only one who knows what I want for myself out of life.  

I have had some weird experiences at the gyms I've gone to but the ones at Planet Fitness have topped my list. I think I will continue that with another post: Getting Past the "Compliments" and Opinionated "Comments".

Rethinking If A Number Was Better Than Being Happy

In 2013, I had gotten close to my overall "weight" goal but, in the process, I had become obsessed with the scale and even passed out twice from overworking out and under eating.  I had to decide if being a number was what was better for me or if I needed to look at my wants again.  Did I want to be all bones and skin? Did I want to just be "thin" or "skinny" or did I want to be fit and healthy? Once I decided that I couldn't take being all saggy from the loose skin with losing the weight so fast, I started weight training.  Yes I gained weight and my clothes didn't fit or didn't fit the same.  I was feeling better in my own skin though.  I was putting on muscle and the skin was slowly tightening up.  I was also losing fat that lies underneath the layer of skin.  I hadn't  been to the gym since I graduated from college the December before and was just working out at home.  That wasn't working for me though.  I didn't have the same sociable aspect that the gym had given me.  My family didn't exercise at all or eat well.  I was alone and it was like a living hell.  Several friends and people I tutored mentioned to me about Planet Fitness.  I was like, I don't know...I had my "good thing" going at home and I was running around my neighborhood.  I then thought long and hard...I was getting nowhere fast and I knew I needed to talk to the gym's staff or trainer for advice.  I joined in June 2013 and met with the trainer.  I told him my story and he told me that the skin will not just automatically snap back.  It will tighten up after a while but you will fill it with muscle first before you will be able to truly lessen the amount of skin on you.....that meant more weight gain before any true loss. Of course my mind was racing but I knew I needed to do this.  I started going there 6 days a week and decided to do more weights than cardio at the gym.  I would do cardio at home because I had a treadmill, a bike/elliptical and several workout dvds.  I'd just do lifting sessions at the gym.  Yeah my weight might say I'm obese on the scale right now but that is just a number and doesn't mean that I'm all fat or all muscle.  I am a collection of fat, muscle, and loose skin.  I still have the scale in the back of my mind but I use pictures to keep my mind straight when it comes to progress.  If I were to get on a scale and make that my focus, I'd have to lose a ton of lean muscle and the skin would have to removed.  I'm sorry but, I'd rather take the hard way and work hard to tighten myself up.  My boyfriend said it best, "Your body is like clay.  You can sculpt it any way you want to.  It just takes patience, hard work, and time. You will get your art piece the way you want it in no time." That has stuck with me through every workout.  I'm Kristen LeBlanc and I am changing myself for me and for no one else. What I do is for my benefit alone. If you don't understand my thinking, that's fine.  That's your opinion.  I want to be strong through and through.  God has yet to hand me something that I can't overcome. He knows that I'm capable of great things so He enjoys testing me. We all are meant to do amazing things. We just have to listen.

God Isn't Done Just Yet

Two months after losing my grandfather unexpectedly, we have yet another tragedy to face.  My mom's brother was pinned inside up his car nose up on a metal pole.  My father and I were heading to work and we actually saw the accident.  It happened near our house.  We even told each other that whoever is in there is lucky if they are alive. About three hours later, I had just started work when I receive a call.  It was my uncle in that car.  It was about 6 am and he was on his way to work.  A woman ran a red light, was speeding, drunk and high on marijuana.  She was uninsured and was a home health care nurse.  My uncle had to be cut out of his car.  He was rushed to the hospital and was barely alive.  He had a fractured pelvis, several broken bones, blood in his stomach, etc.  He was in the hospital for 2 plus months.  He couldn't keep food down and they also couldn't stabilize his vitals.  My grandmother was at her wit's end.  She had lost her daughter a few years beforehand and now was facing the chance of losing another child.  My uncle recovered but still suffers with massive pain and can barely walk.  It was a miracle that he survived but at what cost? His life will never be the same.  No one's will be.

(Brain Fart)

For some reason my chronology is off and I just wrote down everything in order.....yes life isn't planned out and, for me, it truly was one random occurrence after another.  After having my gall bladder removed in 2007, the doctor's told me that I should be checked for diabetes.  They had tested my blood sugar, after finally eating after not eating for a week, and it was high.  Crazy doctors....well anyways, I had to watch what I ate and, at first, I wasn't.  In August 2011, I was having the same types of pains and was freaking out because there was no gall bladder to cause it.  A cat scan at the ER revealed an ovarian cyst on one of my ovaries.  They monitored it for a while and it wasn't going away.  It was growing.  They called for ultrasounds and found a possible problem.  They saw an area that might be cancerous.  I was scared for my life.  I had avoided being diagnosed with diabetes and now their was a possibility that I had cancer.  Once they noticed the area in the ultrasound, a surgery was scheduled.  That was the worst week of my life.....they did the procedure where they pumped air into your stomach and did two small incisions...I was out of school a weak from the pain. Come to find out, it wasn't cancerous.  They first told me that if I had one on each ovary, I wouldn't be able to have children.  The procedure removed part of one of them.  What I never understood though was the idea that the pain may come back from time to time, and weirdly enough, I get that pain right before my period.  I still get it even today and it is 4 years later. 

Now back to 2012, in September, I was working at the college in their math lab.  We were packed and weren't paying attention.  Once it died down, I noticed my purse was gone.  A student had come in, halfway logged into the sign in book, pretended to do homework, then stole my purse once she had the chance.  The school even caught her on camera with my big, pink bag hanging off her shoulder.  The thought of someone I had helped that day taking my stuff really upset me.  It was my job to help them and you're going to steal from me? Really? There was a bench warrant out for her arrest when she failed to appear in court for the first time.  It is 2015 now and I haven't seen her or my belongings since. This taught me to never leave my stuff unattended.  I can't afford for anyone to steal my things again.  It was hard to start over...I've had to learn to trust people all over after that incident.  I had just lost my grandfather, dealt with my uncle's accident, and then was handling a student stealing from me.  I had hoped 2013 would be better. I found out that I had to reevaluate my goals for myself though.

College Life

With all this going on, I was still taking college classes to get my Associates in Visual Communication for Graphic Design.  I had befriended several people who had watched me change physically and open up like a cocooned larva becoming a butterfly.  I was starting my third year and finishing up with what few classes I still had to take.  Without the friends I made through college, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have stayed sane.  I then had something life-altering happen in September of 2011.  I had never had a significant other or been in a single relationship.  I was super involved with keeping my grades up and working to halfway support myself.  I was 20 at the time and still not driving due to financial problems.  Life is life.

Well, in one of my design classes, a quiet guy who always sat by me asked if he could text or call me to help him study for a test.  He saw I knew the material and wanted to make sure he could pass his tests if I didn't mind helping him.  I had no problem with it at all.  I love helping others. Little did I know, but, he was interested in me.  He cared less about the test.  He had liked me for a while but thought I was taken because of how friendly I had become with some of my friends.  I was just becoming very outgoing with the weight loss. I had regained my life and my youth.  He and I started dating 9/10/11 and have been together ever since.  We have had out fair share of fights, arguments, disagreements, and cries but we love each other and keep each other going.  We complete each other and always make sure that the other stays as happy as possible.  It was just meant for him to come into my life at that time.

After my friend had opened me up to the glorious world of a gym, I had joined my college's gym and went every day after class.  My bf would walk me there before he rode his back home.  He is beyond supportive of my work to become healthy.  He had found me attractive even when I was over 200 pounds.  He didn't care what size I was or what I weighed.  He loves me for me.  That was more than enough for me. 

Amongst going to college, my grandfather on my dad's side would bring me to and from class.  He had gotten sick in March of 2012 and his health was slowly declining.  In May of that same year, we got a call from my dad's sister that he may not make it through the day.  We were all in shock.  I was kind of feeling as if he was fine and he'd make it out fine since he had several close calls.  When I heard what had happened, I knew he wasn't going to pull through.  A lacerated bowel had cut through one of his intestine.  His waste had backed up into his body and killed all of his organs.  They were all black.  They took him off life support and he passed away 3 hours later that day.  We had lost my mom a little less than 6 years before this and his wife, our grandmother 11 years earlier.  My family was losing loved ones and losing pieces that were holding our little web together.  I felt like there was added pressure to my father and I to keep us all going.  We still had more things to come that none of us would have ever expected.

A New Environment: The Gym

Now, up to that point, I was just exercising at home with the bike and walking.  I had done no weight training of any kind or even gone to a gym.  By the time a friend of mine gave me two month pass to the one he went to, I had already lost 130 pounds on my own naturally.  He told me that he wanted to give me something for coming so far on my own.  I owe him a lot because I'd have never known how nice the atmosphere at a gym could be.  I had found a new place where I could exercise and learn new ways to workout.  Who could have asked for a better gift?

Through all this time, my family was not supportive at all.  Ever since my mom had passed away, I kind of felt I was ambushed at time.  I had no one to speak up for me except me.  The name calling was not helpful either.  They'd also do things to me that still haunts me.  I was emotionally, mentally and physically tortured for doing something to better my well being.  It wasn't right but it did happen.  They may deny it but I've got the scars on my mind and heart from it.