Friday, January 30, 2015
Rethinking If A Number Was Better Than Being Happy
In 2013, I had gotten close to my overall "weight" goal but, in the process, I had become obsessed with the scale and even passed out twice from overworking out and under eating. I had to decide if being a number was what was better for me or if I needed to look at my wants again. Did I want to be all bones and skin? Did I want to just be "thin" or "skinny" or did I want to be fit and healthy? Once I decided that I couldn't take being all saggy from the loose skin with losing the weight so fast, I started weight training. Yes I gained weight and my clothes didn't fit or didn't fit the same. I was feeling better in my own skin though. I was putting on muscle and the skin was slowly tightening up. I was also losing fat that lies underneath the layer of skin. I hadn't been to the gym since I graduated from college the December before and was just working out at home. That wasn't working for me though. I didn't have the same sociable aspect that the gym had given me. My family didn't exercise at all or eat well. I was alone and it was like a living hell. Several friends and people I tutored mentioned to me about Planet Fitness. I was like, I don't know...I had my "good thing" going at home and I was running around my neighborhood. I then thought long and hard...I was getting nowhere fast and I knew I needed to talk to the gym's staff or trainer for advice. I joined in June 2013 and met with the trainer. I told him my story and he told me that the skin will not just automatically snap back. It will tighten up after a while but you will fill it with muscle first before you will be able to truly lessen the amount of skin on you.....that meant more weight gain before any true loss. Of course my mind was racing but I knew I needed to do this. I started going there 6 days a week and decided to do more weights than cardio at the gym. I would do cardio at home because I had a treadmill, a bike/elliptical and several workout dvds. I'd just do lifting sessions at the gym. Yeah my weight might say I'm obese on the scale right now but that is just a number and doesn't mean that I'm all fat or all muscle. I am a collection of fat, muscle, and loose skin. I still have the scale in the back of my mind but I use pictures to keep my mind straight when it comes to progress. If I were to get on a scale and make that my focus, I'd have to lose a ton of lean muscle and the skin would have to removed. I'm sorry but, I'd rather take the hard way and work hard to tighten myself up. My boyfriend said it best, "Your body is like clay. You can sculpt it any way you want to. It just takes patience, hard work, and time. You will get your art piece the way you want it in no time." That has stuck with me through every workout. I'm Kristen LeBlanc and I am changing myself for me and for no one else. What I do is for my benefit alone. If you don't understand my thinking, that's fine. That's your opinion. I want to be strong through and through. God has yet to hand me something that I can't overcome. He knows that I'm capable of great things so He enjoys testing me. We all are meant to do amazing things. We just have to listen.
God Isn't Done Just Yet
Two months after losing my grandfather unexpectedly, we have yet another tragedy to face. My mom's brother was pinned inside up his car nose up on a metal pole. My father and I were heading to work and we actually saw the accident. It happened near our house. We even told each other that whoever is in there is lucky if they are alive. About three hours later, I had just started work when I receive a call. It was my uncle in that car. It was about 6 am and he was on his way to work. A woman ran a red light, was speeding, drunk and high on marijuana. She was uninsured and was a home health care nurse. My uncle had to be cut out of his car. He was rushed to the hospital and was barely alive. He had a fractured pelvis, several broken bones, blood in his stomach, etc. He was in the hospital for 2 plus months. He couldn't keep food down and they also couldn't stabilize his vitals. My grandmother was at her wit's end. She had lost her daughter a few years beforehand and now was facing the chance of losing another child. My uncle recovered but still suffers with massive pain and can barely walk. It was a miracle that he survived but at what cost? His life will never be the same. No one's will be.
(Brain Fart)
For some reason my chronology is off and I just wrote down everything in order.....yes life isn't planned out and, for me, it truly was one random occurrence after another. After having my gall bladder removed in 2007, the doctor's told me that I should be checked for diabetes. They had tested my blood sugar, after finally eating after not eating for a week, and it was high. Crazy doctors....well anyways, I had to watch what I ate and, at first, I wasn't. In August 2011, I was having the same types of pains and was freaking out because there was no gall bladder to cause it. A cat scan at the ER revealed an ovarian cyst on one of my ovaries. They monitored it for a while and it wasn't going away. It was growing. They called for ultrasounds and found a possible problem. They saw an area that might be cancerous. I was scared for my life. I had avoided being diagnosed with diabetes and now their was a possibility that I had cancer. Once they noticed the area in the ultrasound, a surgery was scheduled. That was the worst week of my life.....they did the procedure where they pumped air into your stomach and did two small incisions...I was out of school a weak from the pain. Come to find out, it wasn't cancerous. They first told me that if I had one on each ovary, I wouldn't be able to have children. The procedure removed part of one of them. What I never understood though was the idea that the pain may come back from time to time, and weirdly enough, I get that pain right before my period. I still get it even today and it is 4 years later.
Now back to 2012, in September, I was working at the college in their math lab. We were packed and weren't paying attention. Once it died down, I noticed my purse was gone. A student had come in, halfway logged into the sign in book, pretended to do homework, then stole my purse once she had the chance. The school even caught her on camera with my big, pink bag hanging off her shoulder. The thought of someone I had helped that day taking my stuff really upset me. It was my job to help them and you're going to steal from me? Really? There was a bench warrant out for her arrest when she failed to appear in court for the first time. It is 2015 now and I haven't seen her or my belongings since. This taught me to never leave my stuff unattended. I can't afford for anyone to steal my things again. It was hard to start over...I've had to learn to trust people all over after that incident. I had just lost my grandfather, dealt with my uncle's accident, and then was handling a student stealing from me. I had hoped 2013 would be better. I found out that I had to reevaluate my goals for myself though.
(Brain Fart)
For some reason my chronology is off and I just wrote down everything in order.....yes life isn't planned out and, for me, it truly was one random occurrence after another. After having my gall bladder removed in 2007, the doctor's told me that I should be checked for diabetes. They had tested my blood sugar, after finally eating after not eating for a week, and it was high. Crazy doctors....well anyways, I had to watch what I ate and, at first, I wasn't. In August 2011, I was having the same types of pains and was freaking out because there was no gall bladder to cause it. A cat scan at the ER revealed an ovarian cyst on one of my ovaries. They monitored it for a while and it wasn't going away. It was growing. They called for ultrasounds and found a possible problem. They saw an area that might be cancerous. I was scared for my life. I had avoided being diagnosed with diabetes and now their was a possibility that I had cancer. Once they noticed the area in the ultrasound, a surgery was scheduled. That was the worst week of my life.....they did the procedure where they pumped air into your stomach and did two small incisions...I was out of school a weak from the pain. Come to find out, it wasn't cancerous. They first told me that if I had one on each ovary, I wouldn't be able to have children. The procedure removed part of one of them. What I never understood though was the idea that the pain may come back from time to time, and weirdly enough, I get that pain right before my period. I still get it even today and it is 4 years later.
Now back to 2012, in September, I was working at the college in their math lab. We were packed and weren't paying attention. Once it died down, I noticed my purse was gone. A student had come in, halfway logged into the sign in book, pretended to do homework, then stole my purse once she had the chance. The school even caught her on camera with my big, pink bag hanging off her shoulder. The thought of someone I had helped that day taking my stuff really upset me. It was my job to help them and you're going to steal from me? Really? There was a bench warrant out for her arrest when she failed to appear in court for the first time. It is 2015 now and I haven't seen her or my belongings since. This taught me to never leave my stuff unattended. I can't afford for anyone to steal my things again. It was hard to start over...I've had to learn to trust people all over after that incident. I had just lost my grandfather, dealt with my uncle's accident, and then was handling a student stealing from me. I had hoped 2013 would be better. I found out that I had to reevaluate my goals for myself though.
College Life
With all this going on, I was still taking college classes to get my Associates in Visual Communication for Graphic Design. I had befriended several people who had watched me change physically and open up like a cocooned larva becoming a butterfly. I was starting my third year and finishing up with what few classes I still had to take. Without the friends I made through college, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have stayed sane. I then had something life-altering happen in September of 2011. I had never had a significant other or been in a single relationship. I was super involved with keeping my grades up and working to halfway support myself. I was 20 at the time and still not driving due to financial problems. Life is life.
Well, in one of my design classes, a quiet guy who always sat by me asked if he could text or call me to help him study for a test. He saw I knew the material and wanted to make sure he could pass his tests if I didn't mind helping him. I had no problem with it at all. I love helping others. Little did I know, but, he was interested in me. He cared less about the test. He had liked me for a while but thought I was taken because of how friendly I had become with some of my friends. I was just becoming very outgoing with the weight loss. I had regained my life and my youth. He and I started dating 9/10/11 and have been together ever since. We have had out fair share of fights, arguments, disagreements, and cries but we love each other and keep each other going. We complete each other and always make sure that the other stays as happy as possible. It was just meant for him to come into my life at that time.
After my friend had opened me up to the glorious world of a gym, I had joined my college's gym and went every day after class. My bf would walk me there before he rode his back home. He is beyond supportive of my work to become healthy. He had found me attractive even when I was over 200 pounds. He didn't care what size I was or what I weighed. He loves me for me. That was more than enough for me.
Amongst going to college, my grandfather on my dad's side would bring me to and from class. He had gotten sick in March of 2012 and his health was slowly declining. In May of that same year, we got a call from my dad's sister that he may not make it through the day. We were all in shock. I was kind of feeling as if he was fine and he'd make it out fine since he had several close calls. When I heard what had happened, I knew he wasn't going to pull through. A lacerated bowel had cut through one of his intestine. His waste had backed up into his body and killed all of his organs. They were all black. They took him off life support and he passed away 3 hours later that day. We had lost my mom a little less than 6 years before this and his wife, our grandmother 11 years earlier. My family was losing loved ones and losing pieces that were holding our little web together. I felt like there was added pressure to my father and I to keep us all going. We still had more things to come that none of us would have ever expected.
Well, in one of my design classes, a quiet guy who always sat by me asked if he could text or call me to help him study for a test. He saw I knew the material and wanted to make sure he could pass his tests if I didn't mind helping him. I had no problem with it at all. I love helping others. Little did I know, but, he was interested in me. He cared less about the test. He had liked me for a while but thought I was taken because of how friendly I had become with some of my friends. I was just becoming very outgoing with the weight loss. I had regained my life and my youth. He and I started dating 9/10/11 and have been together ever since. We have had out fair share of fights, arguments, disagreements, and cries but we love each other and keep each other going. We complete each other and always make sure that the other stays as happy as possible. It was just meant for him to come into my life at that time.
After my friend had opened me up to the glorious world of a gym, I had joined my college's gym and went every day after class. My bf would walk me there before he rode his back home. He is beyond supportive of my work to become healthy. He had found me attractive even when I was over 200 pounds. He didn't care what size I was or what I weighed. He loves me for me. That was more than enough for me.
Amongst going to college, my grandfather on my dad's side would bring me to and from class. He had gotten sick in March of 2012 and his health was slowly declining. In May of that same year, we got a call from my dad's sister that he may not make it through the day. We were all in shock. I was kind of feeling as if he was fine and he'd make it out fine since he had several close calls. When I heard what had happened, I knew he wasn't going to pull through. A lacerated bowel had cut through one of his intestine. His waste had backed up into his body and killed all of his organs. They were all black. They took him off life support and he passed away 3 hours later that day. We had lost my mom a little less than 6 years before this and his wife, our grandmother 11 years earlier. My family was losing loved ones and losing pieces that were holding our little web together. I felt like there was added pressure to my father and I to keep us all going. We still had more things to come that none of us would have ever expected.
A New Environment: The Gym
Now, up to that point, I was just exercising at home with the bike and walking. I had done no weight training of any kind or even gone to a gym. By the time a friend of mine gave me two month pass to the one he went to, I had already lost 130 pounds on my own naturally. He told me that he wanted to give me something for coming so far on my own. I owe him a lot because I'd have never known how nice the atmosphere at a gym could be. I had found a new place where I could exercise and learn new ways to workout. Who could have asked for a better gift?
Through all this time, my family was not supportive at all. Ever since my mom had passed away, I kind of felt I was ambushed at time. I had no one to speak up for me except me. The name calling was not helpful either. They'd also do things to me that still haunts me. I was emotionally, mentally and physically tortured for doing something to better my well being. It wasn't right but it did happen. They may deny it but I've got the scars on my mind and heart from it.
Through all this time, my family was not supportive at all. Ever since my mom had passed away, I kind of felt I was ambushed at time. I had no one to speak up for me except me. The name calling was not helpful either. They'd also do things to me that still haunts me. I was emotionally, mentally and physically tortured for doing something to better my well being. It wasn't right but it did happen. They may deny it but I've got the scars on my mind and heart from it.
That Moment When The World Notices
Once I got over the stomach flu, I got back to exercising and eating the best I could. I also started my first job at this time. I had volunteered a year before at my local Community College's math lab. They weren't hiring but liked how I tutored. They told me that as soon as a position opened up, they'd let me know. With making my own money, it became a lot easier to make better food choices since I was buying what I was going to be putting into my body. Of course I was only making minimum wage, 7.25 an hour, so it was a struggle to eat well. I made do and by October 2010 I had already lost about 60 pounds. I was on a roll and was confident that I could do this.
At this same time, a local heritage festival was going on that my family always volunteered at. When family friends who hadn't seen me in a while had seen me, questions were raised. Was I starving myself? Did I have a surgery done? Was I sick? These questions were quickly shot down because I knew better then to listen to them. I had made a healthy change and my body was reflecting that. By Christmas of that same year, I had lost about 85 total. I hadn't been taking or posting photos anywhere so when people saw me at a holiday gathering, I was bombarded with looks and compliments. I was glad people were noticing and happy for me because they knew my health was at stake. I was only 19 at the time. That's too young to be sick or ill. I needed to make the change. No one had to make me do it. It was a CHOICE.
At this same time, a local heritage festival was going on that my family always volunteered at. When family friends who hadn't seen me in a while had seen me, questions were raised. Was I starving myself? Did I have a surgery done? Was I sick? These questions were quickly shot down because I knew better then to listen to them. I had made a healthy change and my body was reflecting that. By Christmas of that same year, I had lost about 85 total. I hadn't been taking or posting photos anywhere so when people saw me at a holiday gathering, I was bombarded with looks and compliments. I was glad people were noticing and happy for me because they knew my health was at stake. I was only 19 at the time. That's too young to be sick or ill. I needed to make the change. No one had to make me do it. It was a CHOICE.
Introducing My Body To Exercise
With falling at the wedding, I had to go to the ER and a cast was put on my leg. I had sprained it badly. i was sent to a specialist and told that it'd truly help me out if I'd lose wait...DUH....So he showed me some exercises that would help me with building muscle around my knee. We had an old exercise bike and I decided that it would be a good way to help my knee out.
Adding exercise to me already eating healthier aided in my weight loss. It was a slow process. I started walking as well once my knee wasn't hurting as bad. I began with going just 10 minutes at a time because I got winded. I worked my way up to 15 minutes and then 20. Before I knew it, I could go a half hour. By this point, I was 5 months into my lifestyle change and down 30 plus pounds. I was excited because I was losing and then gaining for a while. My body was in shock from the introduction of exercise. right before my third semester of college started, I was feeling horrible. i went to the ER and found out that I had the stomach flu. Once again, my dad blamed my weight and how I ate.....I had enough. I let the cat out of the bag and told them everything. They kind of knew that I was working on it because of me on the bike and they had noticed my food choices changing. They didn't say much at first. they just took it as a like, "Whatever". I didn't care. I was in it for the long haul and it was my choice. NOT THEIRS.
Adding exercise to me already eating healthier aided in my weight loss. It was a slow process. I started walking as well once my knee wasn't hurting as bad. I began with going just 10 minutes at a time because I got winded. I worked my way up to 15 minutes and then 20. Before I knew it, I could go a half hour. By this point, I was 5 months into my lifestyle change and down 30 plus pounds. I was excited because I was losing and then gaining for a while. My body was in shock from the introduction of exercise. right before my third semester of college started, I was feeling horrible. i went to the ER and found out that I had the stomach flu. Once again, my dad blamed my weight and how I ate.....I had enough. I let the cat out of the bag and told them everything. They kind of knew that I was working on it because of me on the bike and they had noticed my food choices changing. They didn't say much at first. they just took it as a like, "Whatever". I didn't care. I was in it for the long haul and it was my choice. NOT THEIRS.
An Absent Minded Thought Of Something I Forgot
I failed to mention in an earlier blog that I had also had my gall bladder removed in early 2007. This was right after my mom had passed away. With that surgery, they had found that I actually had a blood disorder. It's called Factor 7 and my blood clots way faster than it should. So when I went for the liver biopsy, they waited too long to get my blood to the testing center and they had to have another nurse retake my blood. This woman didn't know what she was doing and had my arm turning black. She said she couldn't find a vein and that I had to wait for a doctor to come back after lunch. That was just an experience and a half. Once the procedure eventually occurred, it was 2 pm and they didn't get enough of a sample of my liver. They had to go back in a second time. They numbed my body but I was awake.....it sounded like a plunger unclogging a toilet....it was an experience I'd rather not relive again. My choice to eat as healthy as possible will make sure that it won't.
A Whole New Outlook On Life
Making this change on my own was a real new adventure. My family does not eat healthy. So, for me to make changes without anyone truly noticing was going to be difficult. I slowly cut out things. Instead of drinking 3 cokes a day, i reduced it to one a day and eventually down to one a week until I was not drinking soda anymore. I did the same with processed foods and the same with sweets as well. I drank tons of water and ate as well as I could.
I was at first curious to see if the changes were happening. I located my mom's old tape measure and took starting measurements about a week in. They were anything but pretty. i tried weighing myself on my grandmother's scale but the dreaded "EE" kept showing up for two months. I kept at it and worked hard at eating better. In early June 2010, I stepped on the scale and didn't see the "EE"! Yeah I was overjoyed. I was down exactly 16 pounds since i started. Of course seeing this progress made me want to keep going. Well, that night, we had a wedding to go to and I was excited that the dress I bought still fit. The bad thing, I slipped and fell that night. I was unable to get up on my own. It was embarrassing and my father instantly blamed my weight. He didn't know how hard I was trying to better myself and how much his words truly hurt me. He just spoke what he thought and that was that.
I was at first curious to see if the changes were happening. I located my mom's old tape measure and took starting measurements about a week in. They were anything but pretty. i tried weighing myself on my grandmother's scale but the dreaded "EE" kept showing up for two months. I kept at it and worked hard at eating better. In early June 2010, I stepped on the scale and didn't see the "EE"! Yeah I was overjoyed. I was down exactly 16 pounds since i started. Of course seeing this progress made me want to keep going. Well, that night, we had a wedding to go to and I was excited that the dress I bought still fit. The bad thing, I slipped and fell that night. I was unable to get up on my own. It was embarrassing and my father instantly blamed my weight. He didn't know how hard I was trying to better myself and how much his words truly hurt me. He just spoke what he thought and that was that.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
My Wake Up Call
Most people ignore when things start getting rough, but I'm not one to play around when it comes to my well being. With losing my mom, I saw life as a gift and treated it as such. I started living day by day and focusing on myself more.
The results of my blood work showed that I had enzyme levels that were way too high in my liver. My doctor thought I had fatty liver disease because of my weight. They started tests and decided that doing a liver biopsy was the best choice to make sure that the elevated levels weren't the start of something more.
Two things came from that biopsy:
1. My liver was fine but just a little fatty
2. If I didn't change my lifestyle, I'd lose my liver
Now, for a 18 year old to hear these words, it is shocking. I had just become an adult and now I could die? They told me that I either had to lose weight or lose my life. Which do you think I chose to do?
Now, my family knew nothing of my decision to work on getting myself healthy. My heaviest "known" weight was 346.4 but I am sure i was heavier than that at some point. I was already depressed and didn't realize how bad my weight affected my health. Once I made the choice to lose weight to make sure I was around to see what life had to offer me, my new journey had begun.
The results of my blood work showed that I had enzyme levels that were way too high in my liver. My doctor thought I had fatty liver disease because of my weight. They started tests and decided that doing a liver biopsy was the best choice to make sure that the elevated levels weren't the start of something more.
Two things came from that biopsy:
1. My liver was fine but just a little fatty
2. If I didn't change my lifestyle, I'd lose my liver
Now, for a 18 year old to hear these words, it is shocking. I had just become an adult and now I could die? They told me that I either had to lose weight or lose my life. Which do you think I chose to do?
Now, my family knew nothing of my decision to work on getting myself healthy. My heaviest "known" weight was 346.4 but I am sure i was heavier than that at some point. I was already depressed and didn't realize how bad my weight affected my health. Once I made the choice to lose weight to make sure I was around to see what life had to offer me, my new journey had begun.
This is a picture of my sister and I from late 2009.
I am the girl on the right.
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