Rethinking If A Number Was Better Than Being Happy

In 2013, I had gotten close to my overall "weight" goal but, in the process, I had become obsessed with the scale and even passed out twice from overworking out and under eating.  I had to decide if being a number was what was better for me or if I needed to look at my wants again.  Did I want to be all bones and skin? Did I want to just be "thin" or "skinny" or did I want to be fit and healthy? Once I decided that I couldn't take being all saggy from the loose skin with losing the weight so fast, I started weight training.  Yes I gained weight and my clothes didn't fit or didn't fit the same.  I was feeling better in my own skin though.  I was putting on muscle and the skin was slowly tightening up.  I was also losing fat that lies underneath the layer of skin.  I hadn't  been to the gym since I graduated from college the December before and was just working out at home.  That wasn't working for me though.  I didn't have the same sociable aspect that the gym had given me.  My family didn't exercise at all or eat well.  I was alone and it was like a living hell.  Several friends and people I tutored mentioned to me about Planet Fitness.  I was like, I don't know...I had my "good thing" going at home and I was running around my neighborhood.  I then thought long and hard...I was getting nowhere fast and I knew I needed to talk to the gym's staff or trainer for advice.  I joined in June 2013 and met with the trainer.  I told him my story and he told me that the skin will not just automatically snap back.  It will tighten up after a while but you will fill it with muscle first before you will be able to truly lessen the amount of skin on you.....that meant more weight gain before any true loss. Of course my mind was racing but I knew I needed to do this.  I started going there 6 days a week and decided to do more weights than cardio at the gym.  I would do cardio at home because I had a treadmill, a bike/elliptical and several workout dvds.  I'd just do lifting sessions at the gym.  Yeah my weight might say I'm obese on the scale right now but that is just a number and doesn't mean that I'm all fat or all muscle.  I am a collection of fat, muscle, and loose skin.  I still have the scale in the back of my mind but I use pictures to keep my mind straight when it comes to progress.  If I were to get on a scale and make that my focus, I'd have to lose a ton of lean muscle and the skin would have to removed.  I'm sorry but, I'd rather take the hard way and work hard to tighten myself up.  My boyfriend said it best, "Your body is like clay.  You can sculpt it any way you want to.  It just takes patience, hard work, and time. You will get your art piece the way you want it in no time." That has stuck with me through every workout.  I'm Kristen LeBlanc and I am changing myself for me and for no one else. What I do is for my benefit alone. If you don't understand my thinking, that's fine.  That's your opinion.  I want to be strong through and through.  God has yet to hand me something that I can't overcome. He knows that I'm capable of great things so He enjoys testing me. We all are meant to do amazing things. We just have to listen.