Depression: The Demon I Face

 Why Talk About It?

For me to bring it up, must mean I do see it as a part of my life in some way.  In my previous posts I mentioned how friends suffer from it due to their traumatic experiences but I understand them so well because I suffer with depression too.  

Is She Really Ok?

Everyone who sees me always sees a smile on my face. Is that smile real or fake though? Does anyone really know? Most people don't think I ever have a bad day. Little do they know, I hide my internal pain from the world until I can't anymore. 

I knew I was different from everyone else when I was little. If it wasn't physically, it was mentally. I never really saw myself as anything besides an object taking up someone else's space. I didn't see a true need for me in the world until after my mom passed away in 2006. I contemplated suicide right after because she was my best friend. I had no one else and I wanted to be with her. I still contemplate it but never follow through. I have learned, slowly, that I do have a greater purpose. I should never be selfish, either, and take my own life. That doesn't mean that I still don't think about it sometimes.

I am stronger than anything I think or feel. I'm just human like everyone else in the world. My heart is heavy with all the pain I've encountered in the past and all the pain this new life/body has brought to me. Yes I took control of my health, but, my mind is still lagging way behind. Most people see weight loss as just a physical change, when, it is also mental. I sadly got full out obsessed with the physical, ignoring the mental. I am now suffering worse now because of that.  My family doesn't understand the pain I'm in and tune me out when I say why I'm upset because my why has never changed. With all the progress i have made in such a little time, I should be overjoyed and ecstatic. Am I though? Nope. I'm the same me in the same body, except now, it is in better shape.

My emotions are heightened during my time of the month, but, that isn't always what brings on the feelings I have. It can be simply someone making a rude comment to me or a back handed compliment. 

When my body or eating is brought up in a conversation, I get defensive or upset. No one is perfect and I know I'm far from it. When i was heavier, I was emotional eater. I'd eat to feel the emptiness I had inside of me. As cliche as that may sound or seem, it is true. Now, I'm the complete opposite. I will go hours without eating when I get really depressed. I will even ignore my stomach or the hunger feelings I get. Am I proud of that either? Heck no. I'm just being real about my whole situation. If I lied and said I fully love myself and how I am, how could anyone trust me? I know I wouldn't trust myself. 

Why Say Something Now?

The whole reason I wrote about this is because I know there are tons of other people out there who have been through what I've been through. May it be weight loss, loss of a family member or surviving a house fire, we all go through things. The way we overcome or let them stop us shows us the kind of people we are. Never let anything deter you from becoming a better, complete version of yourself. Yes I suffer with depression. Yes the scale shows me as obese. Yes I can leg press heavier than what I weigh now and used to weigh combined. Does that define me as a person? 

Heck no! I am Kristen LeBlanc and I am a survivor.