Depression: The Demon I Face

 Why Talk About It?

For me to bring it up, must mean I do see it as a part of my life in some way.  In my previous posts I mentioned how friends suffer from it due to their traumatic experiences but I understand them so well because I suffer with depression too.  

Is She Really Ok?

Everyone who sees me always sees a smile on my face. Is that smile real or fake though? Does anyone really know? Most people don't think I ever have a bad day. Little do they know, I hide my internal pain from the world until I can't anymore. 

I knew I was different from everyone else when I was little. If it wasn't physically, it was mentally. I never really saw myself as anything besides an object taking up someone else's space. I didn't see a true need for me in the world until after my mom passed away in 2006. I contemplated suicide right after because she was my best friend. I had no one else and I wanted to be with her. I still contemplate it but never follow through. I have learned, slowly, that I do have a greater purpose. I should never be selfish, either, and take my own life. That doesn't mean that I still don't think about it sometimes.

I am stronger than anything I think or feel. I'm just human like everyone else in the world. My heart is heavy with all the pain I've encountered in the past and all the pain this new life/body has brought to me. Yes I took control of my health, but, my mind is still lagging way behind. Most people see weight loss as just a physical change, when, it is also mental. I sadly got full out obsessed with the physical, ignoring the mental. I am now suffering worse now because of that.  My family doesn't understand the pain I'm in and tune me out when I say why I'm upset because my why has never changed. With all the progress i have made in such a little time, I should be overjoyed and ecstatic. Am I though? Nope. I'm the same me in the same body, except now, it is in better shape.

My emotions are heightened during my time of the month, but, that isn't always what brings on the feelings I have. It can be simply someone making a rude comment to me or a back handed compliment. 

When my body or eating is brought up in a conversation, I get defensive or upset. No one is perfect and I know I'm far from it. When i was heavier, I was emotional eater. I'd eat to feel the emptiness I had inside of me. As cliche as that may sound or seem, it is true. Now, I'm the complete opposite. I will go hours without eating when I get really depressed. I will even ignore my stomach or the hunger feelings I get. Am I proud of that either? Heck no. I'm just being real about my whole situation. If I lied and said I fully love myself and how I am, how could anyone trust me? I know I wouldn't trust myself. 

Why Say Something Now?

The whole reason I wrote about this is because I know there are tons of other people out there who have been through what I've been through. May it be weight loss, loss of a family member or surviving a house fire, we all go through things. The way we overcome or let them stop us shows us the kind of people we are. Never let anything deter you from becoming a better, complete version of yourself. Yes I suffer with depression. Yes the scale shows me as obese. Yes I can leg press heavier than what I weigh now and used to weigh combined. Does that define me as a person? 

Heck no! I am Kristen LeBlanc and I am a survivor. 

Breaking Through the Void: Awakening to See Past the "Norm"

Choosing a Path to Take 

When you talk about life and talk about "fate", how much can you really believe is already planned out for you?  Every choice you make can change the way even tomorrow looks for you.  There's no one direction someone's life can go.  Each choice made, ever turn taken, and ever change in your normal day will affect the way you see what's ahead of you.  

Can We Really Blame Actions Caused by Other Reactions? Is That Making Excuses for Someone Suffering Through What They Have Zero Control Over?

Only a couple months after I left my boyfriend of almost 4 years, I had an experience that still affects me even until today.  I met a guy who has changed my view on everything I do in my own life.  He was the first person I've ever met, became friends with, and grew close to that suffers from PTSD.  The only mistake I made was falling for his charm and showing him I cared.  He played me like a harp and I am still friends with  me, but  now that he sees guys have interest in me, he wants me now.  I can't see him as anything more than just a friend.  

The first time I met him, I didn't even realize that a friend had sent him to the lab where I work to look for me specifically.  I only found that out maybe a year ago and I've known him two years now.  The lights were off in the room and I was helping another student when I looked up to see my coworkers telling me to turn around.  I had felt someone behind me but I was by the front desk where students sign in.  So I figured a student was coming in to work.  I turned to see a frightened six foot tall guy afraid to even come into the room.  He was very well spoken and respectful so I knew he was of military background.  Everyone made jokes that I liked him but every time he came in to work, even if I was busy, he would look for me and even wait until I was finished with the other students.  As I talked to him more and more, he opened up  to me about his PTSD, his depression, not having many friends, etc.  So I ended up tutoring him outside of the school so he could get the one on one help I knew he needed.  I noticed how he didn't like people sitting too close to him or right behind him.  A couple of other men I tutored who were also army veterans wanted to sit in the corner of the room for that same exact reason.  Once this guy realized I liked him, that's when things got weird.  He toyed with me, would go through my friends, and even had female "friends" of me add him on social media through my accounts because he and I were friends online.  I only recently unadded him as a friend. Not even sure he realized I did but it was getting too much for me to deal with because of how he used the actual site.  

All in all, I have seen him drunk off his butt, I've seen him over the drunk point and have had to stop fights, and even have had to follow him home several times.  This I did just being a concerned friend who had feelings for a guy who wanted nothing to do with me because he knew I was different from the other girls he was with.  Of course people thought we were together with how much we hung out or were around each other but I do tutor him math.   He even would skip classes and I would have to literally teach him...which became tiring and stressful.  There was and still a visible connection between him and I but I'm keeping him at arm's length because he has hurt me over and over.  Maybe he thinks he doesn't deserve to be loved or thinks that sex equals "love." Either way, I do feel bad for him but then he has to figure his own life out.  He's not at war anymore but suffers with the repercussions.  He's told me how he was athletic, musically gifted, in advanced classes, etc but with all the war did to his mind and memory, every day is a struggle.  Knowing all I do about him and his situation makes me wonder how many veterans out there don't have a friend they can open up to.  Sometimes just having a positive individual around can help.  I am not in his life for anything but to help him get through the last few classes he needs to get his degree and to be a friend.  That is the most I can do for someone who has treated me badly. 

This brings me back to the headline above.  Do we blame his past or blame him for being a rude asshole? He may have not always been the guy he is today but the war has changed him.  How can someone truly understand someone they barely know? I wasn't at war with him so I don't know what his fight was like or what he did/saw.  I have been through my own living hell and have my moments where my PTSD and depression make getting through the day hard as hell.  So for theses guys who witness death over and over and see things being blown up, where is their escape? Some get stuck living on the streets, can't get housing or jobs, end up doing drugs or drinking heavily....among other things.  Now I'm not placing a stereotype on veterans or military at all.  Let me state that.  I also want to say I do think they all need proper help and still haven't gotten what they truly need.  How the person has learned to cope throughout their life or how their mind deals with the experiences is what makes a person drink, sleep around, do drugs, etc.  It isn't one thing or the other.  It's something in the brain that almost shows the person or has the person thinking that a certain thing will help them forget everything.  For my buddy, I just know he can beat what he's fighting but he needs to accept that he is worth the fight to get better.  No one can tell him that but himself.  He has to love himself and accept himself fully just like you or I have to.  WE just have to find our own way.

Living Life Through a Prism: We All See Different Perspectives

Before I get into what this post is really about, let me backtrack some:  I have written and started other blogs since making this one. 

All of my blogs are separated by subject matter or a certain time period. 


Trauma and PTSD

You may be thinking about the title for this post and wondering what I'm trying to get at.  For being 26, I've had too many near death calls as well has my family.  The things we go through shape the outlook we have as we view the world.  Traumatic experiences also alter how our minds function, with some people even developing mental disorders as these events trigger certain chemicals in the brain.  For me, I grew more and more depressed the more and more I lost as time progressed.  Losing family members I grew attached to, the only home I ever knew, and the few connections I made outside of my family slowly started to deteriorate.  My first ex made it worse for me to trust men and my second made it even harder to trust people.  That's not good for someone with bad trust issues already.  These are only a few things that changed me as a person.  What I truly want to talk about doesn't even involve me but what I've seen others struggle with and fight.  

War: What is It Good For? Is It Worth the Price Some Pay?

I already know some people are going to be harsh on the subject matter I am about to bring up, so, I'm prepared. Also, people will say, "How can you write on something that you haven't personally been exposed to or gone through?"  I have come to a realization with my current job and life that I have had several veterans come in and out of my life.  Not only were my grandfathers veterans, but, one of my uncle's was, other family members, cousins, and even friends.  Depending on the years they served or what wars they served in, is just one of the things that separates how being enlisted has affected them.  Depending on which military branch they were enlisted in also makes a difference as well.  Now, there will be a handful of people that will say that it is their own fault for enlisting and having what happened, happen to them.  Those are heartless people and if we were still in the days of the draft, I know PTSD and veterans would be seen way different.  Either way, they fought to defend our country and paid the ultimate sacrifice: inner turmoil. 

Once again, someone may be asking this, "Does she even know what war involves or what a soldier goes through on the battle ground?" No because I never thought about fighting for my country.  Now that I have seen what has come to the world, I think I would want to change my young mind years ago but can't go backwards.  We can only move forward, so, I want to shine a light on my findings.  I have friends and family who suffer from the aftermath of being deployed.  Being around them and observing even the smallest of situations has me realizing that there's a lot that people overlook.  I'm an observant person and can tell when something changes.  It can be small as a smile to a frown or being all happy to slight agitation.  Now, all humans have moments of mood swings or changes but there's a slight difference that I pick up on.  I've even witnessed a friend of mine have a flashback and he turned literally motionless, froze, and had to shake himself out of it.  He saw I looked concerned and asked if I had watched him.  He hadn't had anyone just watch an episode and ask if he was alright.  He found it interesting that I did just look at him while it happened.  Me knowing he's an army veteran, told me he suffers PTSD, etc, I knew something just wasn't right so of course I was concerned but also curious.  He was so out of it, he didn't even realize I was calling his name as I watched him.  This is just one instance and one person.  I've had different people confide in me with their struggles, told me their stories, and then some finally tell me that they are veterans.  After they said that, things made more  sense.  Now, not all PTSD is war related or even just in the military.  PTSD can be suffered by anyone.  We just "hear" about a lot of it happening within the military or with military veterans.  We really do not know or understand what anyone is going through when they do have an episode or what even triggered the PTSD at that moment.  Something just clicks within the person.  Personally, I have repressed memories of events that bothered me badly and small words, smells, or even people can have me in a panic.  My family barely survived a house fire, I've had controlling men in my life that led to abuse of different kinds, and I've seen death in many forms.  When someone experiences trauma of any kind, their mind deals with it in the way it knows how.  All humans deal with trauma, stress, etc differently depending on the person or their background.  I will close myself off from everyone and hide.
  Others may drink, smoke, be promiscuous, get in trouble, etc.
 PTSD is serious and we need to focus in more on ways to treat it better.





Depression

Depression is also another mental disorder that is commonly overlooked as just a daily thing everyone experiences.  There are different degrees of depression though or different causes for it just like with PTSD.  I've also seen that PTSD and depression do play hand in hand in some people.  As said above, PTSD is common in the military but so is depression.  The worst part about all of this is that the veterans that come back from the war are not all getting the help or assistance they need.  Just from talking to several veterans, even of different military branches, there's not appropriate care available to all.  Now, we as the United States already struggle to get necessary care to civilians.  These poor fighters who gave more than time to keep us safe can't even get proper medication or health care once they are back home.  Also, some of my veteran friends are on back pay from the government.  One of my friends told me the government deemed him close to 100% disabled due to the concussions he received during his service not including his memory loss, injuries, etc.  He had broken his ribs a few years ago and refused to go to the VA because he knew they would give him ibuprofen and send him on his way.  That's kind of sad and he decided to just deal with the pain.  A few other friends of mine were either 70 or 80% and still can't get the benefits or help they need. I've even had a couple veterans come to me when they were low on food or suicidal and all I could do was help when I could or offer an ear for them. 

Please Tell me I'm Not Alone in These Thoughts

 Something as simple as a hot meal is even a gift when some people have nothing.  I'm not even talking about around the world.  I'm talking about down the street, in the next city, neighboring state or anywhere in the United States.  What kind of country can't even get help to those in need without worrying about a budget or seeing if it is even in the budget?  That's like saying one person in your family goes hungry because we didn't have an extra plate.  If we took care of our own people first, we may have better chances making peace with other countries if they see we take care of our own people properly.  I don't want what ifs or if this was better or if we changed this or that.  I want real reasons why we have homeless people, homeless veterans, people in our own nation going hungry, or dying from lack of proper health care.  If we help other nations, why can't we fully help ourselves? 


There will be a Part 2 to this post and will focus more on why I am even worrying about all of this.  Well, us as humans, should care more about one another more than we do but we are a selfish species as a whole.  I just want to open more eyes and help melt frozen hearts.  It's time for change and if it is even with more education about all of this, that's progress of some kind.  So, what are you gonna do? Sit back and watch or take action? Your. Choice.

In loving memory of my grandmother who recently passed....happy in heaven with my mother and grandfather now. Love you forever and always.



This Too Shall Pass

Even though the pain has grown,
Even though my heart has cracked,
And fallen apart,
It's used to being broken,
Because I love too hard,
I feel more than most,
And I care way more than I ever should...
I keep losing the ones I love,
I keep getting left alone,
I keep trying to find a connection,
To someone,
Who would never let me go...
I have little faith in myself,
Because I assign blame,
I never want to look back,
But I always seem to hurt the most,
When my past becomes cryatal clear,
Right in front of me...
I don't wanna live in it,
I live with it,
I learn from it,
I grow from the hurt,
I just don't wanna feel that same pain,
Over and over again...
When you grow up only knowing loss,
It's hard to recognize even your own growth,
Because you're continuously torn down,
Your mind and heart are constantly at war,
You can't see past today,
You can't find your own happiness,
Because you're always wanting better,
Than what you've always settled for...
A look in the mirror is even terrifying,
When you don't recognize who you are,
Anymore...
You've become a shell of who you used to be,
An empty feeling that never seems to end,
Stuck in a hole,
Constantly pulling yourself out of...
You want someone there,
Want someone to care,
But in the end,
You're truly all you're gonna have,
When things get rough,
When life truly gets tough,
Because only you have lived this life,
And walked the path you've come along...
Just know that this too shall pass,
This isn't the ending to your story at all,
There's a lot more to be written,
A lot more to happen,
Before you can even start to think,
That your job is done...
We all have a reason to be here,
We all have a mission,
Some just choose to ignore,
What they're meant to do...
I recognized a long time ago,
That I'm an instrument,
And even though I have no use,
For some gifts I've been given,
Others can benefit,
So why be selfish?
If my story can help one person,
If my knowledge can help someone succeed,
Why not start helping?
It's selfish to just love without a care,
Because the person next to you,
May be the one you needed,
To come along,
And save your life,
Say just one thing,
You needed to hear...
Don't take being alive for granted,
We aren't all given second chances,
I've been given a new lease on life,
And I'm giving myself to the world...
I don't see much worth in myself,
Besides the ability,
To make the lives of others,
Better by just being there,
By simply being a friend...
Just one thought bothers me,
One thing haunts me,
Keeps me from sleeping,
And that's how many of you,
Would ever do the same in return?
Would you take generosity ,
And stop it right there,
Not giving it back respectfully?
Comforting a hurting soul,
Hugging someone who feels beyond alone,
Smiling at someone just to do it,
Making a friend with someone different from you...
Why is that so hard to do,
For humanity?
We don't see what's right in front of us,
When we ask for world peace,
But we are our own answer to fixing things,
Why hate when you can love?
Why have war when you can compromise?
Why lie when the truth can be so freeing?
Why let yourself get stuck in a bad time when you're still alive?
You woke up today,
You're breathing aren't you?
You're seeing the sun again,
Through your own raging storm...
Be happy to be able to have a chance on this earth,
Be happy to be able to smile when you want to cry,
Because you're truly stronger than you want to admit,
This too shall pass,
If you allow it to....


Kristen LeBlanc

Letting Go and Moving On

I made it official a week ago Saturday that I was no longer with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. I became an object that he saw as a possession and it took a realistic dream to wake me up. It was time to get out before I would get used even more than I already was. I didn't even tell him all the things I wanted for my life in fear he would tear me down or tell me no. I shouldn't have to fear someone I had once loved enough to want to marry them. Now, i see that he had caused me so much added stress and grief. I'm free now and working on new things for my life. Singing has been something I've loved for years but kept to myself. My friend Nicole has been very supportive of me as well as everyone who  has listened to my recordings. Nicole gave me the idea of trying sound cloud instead of just YouTube to get my voice out there. I have had nothing but a good response from everyone who clicks play. It gives me the confidence to keep working on my shyness, keep challenging my voice with harder genres and makes me want to never give up on anything I try. I have no reason to. God has given me several gifts, and since the fire, I've only discovered more and found myself. I was so lost and stuck in my relationship with my ex. 

I was suffocating. Now I can breathe and am set free. 

Enjoy everyone and thank you so much!! Many more to come soon!

www.smule.com 
Username: MeltMyHeart 
Email: myprogressisyour1proof@gmail.com

My Biggest Secret but It's Time to Share...

Some of us go our whole lives asking, "What if?" Well, since my family's house fire, I've been braver and letting myself be seen as I am, for who I am. I'm so done with hiding behind a shell or a wall. It hasn't done me any good and, just maybe, this will open doors for so many other people. That's all I want. I want to be respected and I want others to see that it is ok to be different.  I always knew I was different, but not as much as I've come to realize.  

People at work know me as the nerdy, goofy, math tutor. Few people have come to see all that god has blessed me with. I honestly wouldn't have found any of it if I wasn't such a lonely child. I had no friends and lived a very sheltered life. I'm just now fully coming out of my shell and the world better watch out because I'm not slowing down.  

A lot of people even know me as an artist or the crazy gym rat who goes intense every gym workout she does. Some even know I write and have been published. There are also a select few that know I love photography as well. Not many, though, know what my favorite thing to do truly is. This blog may have the world see me in a whole new light, but, it's time.....it is time for me to just lay it all on the line.  

I know the judgement will be harsh and the opinions high, but, this is my life and you can either support me or take a hike. I don't need the negativity anymore. I want to be known as Kristen, the girl who survived live and triumphed.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC33Vbm4JiEYxCRWsF92H6eg

...and yes this is me. Please do not even think that I would post someone else's link. Believe it or not, I am scared of what people will say, but I'm also excited to put myself out there. Welcome to the world, Kristen. 

My Creative Vision

I've tried to figure out exactly who I am and what I'm supposed to do with my life for years now. Yeah I'm only 24 and I have time, but, I want to have a general idea. I want to know so I can build on it and find out more about myself. 

My latest endeavor has been illustrating pieces of literature that I have written. Most are lyrical ballads and the art that goes with them mainly one subject. That is my choice and my reasoning right now. I want my art to convey a message and my writing to form an image in your mind. I want my creativity to be felt, not just seen. Here are examples of what I'm working towards:

I'm Listening 

Speak to me,
Telepathically,
So I can feel,
How you feel...
I'm ready to be,
The other half of who you are,
The other half of what you need,
What's missing to make you happy...
Answer my pleas,
I'm not trying,
To bother you,
But get your attention...
Asking my questions,
Trying to keep it simple...

I'm listening,
To see what I'm missing,
I've overlooked,
Something you've said...
My heart hears yours,
Calling it from its safe place,
Making it beat faster,
Inside of me...
The excitement,
You're causing,
Keeps me guessing,
What's coming next...
I'm listening,
So speak up baby...

Stepping into the shade,
Keeping my silence,
Waiting for you to proclaim,
Your presence...
I look around,
Waiting for a sound,
A sign telling me,
That you're close...
No one needs to understand,
Nothing has to make sense,
Only you and I get it,
And that's how it's supposed to be...
Open your mind willingly...
Connect with me...

I'm listening,
To see what I'm missing,
I've overlooked,
Something you've said...
My heart hears yours,
Calling it from its safe place,
Making it beat faster,
Inside of me...
The excitement,
You're causing,
Keeps me guessing,
What's coming next...
I'm listening,
So speak up baby...

Speak up so it's clear,
Let me know that you're certain,
That you're here,
Here for me...
Here to grow,
And join together,
Become one,
With me spiritually...
I can't wait,
To feel your energy,
Work with mine,
In perfect harmony...
This feels so right,
But what are you thinking?

What's your idea,
About this whole situation,
This whole experience,
Of finally meeting....
What do you see,
As the next move,
We need to make,
To keep this going strong...
Did I have you all wrong...
And truly what I'm needing ,
To progress forward...
I'm hearing everything,
I'm listening and it's all become clear....

I'm listening,
To see what I'm missing,
I've overlooked,
Something you've said...
My heart hears yours,
Calling it from its safe place,
Making it beat faster,
Inside of me...
The excitement,
You're causing,
Keeps me guessing,
What's coming next...
I'm listening,
So speak up baby...

Kristen LeBlanc

Day Dream

---

Rattle the cage,
Screaming,
But no one,
Can ever hear me...
The harder I try,
The lower my voice,
The lower the echo,
Seems to be...
Am I alone?
Am I seeing things?
Am I the only one,
Who can't be seen?
All this outside noise,
Keeps me hidden behind the scene...

Wake me,
From this nightmare,
I can't be living,
This way...
None of this,
Can be real,
And I'm sick,
Of fighting...
My hopes,
Become simply,
Day dreams,
That are so far from my reach...
I'm not happy,
Watching this same movie play...

Rattling the cage,
As I belt out,
A high note,
Stronger than my scream...
The bars shake,
They break,
And I stand weak,
Not knowing what's next..
I never thought,
I'd break free,
From that cage,
Or day dream...
Now I can change,
The ending...

Shake me,
From this imaginary,
Happiness,
Before I get too involved...
I'm so engaged,
From feeling this free,
Feeling so happy,
From my day dreaming...
Dreaming while I'm awake,
Not able to dream as I sleep,
So my mind projects,
These dreams onto my reality...
I'd ask again,
To be awakened,
But I'm too excited,
For things to go my way...

For things to be right,
For my hard life,
To finally,
Become easy...
I want things set right,
For the wrongs,
To come to light,
Instead of them staying lies...
That's why this feeling,
Of being my own friend,
My own hero,
Has to stay...
I'm too good for the world,
Too good to be heard...

I love this...
I love this...
Don't hate me,
For me never wanting to wake...
This feeling...
This feeling...
This day dream,
Needs to be my every day...
I don't want it to change,
Want it to remain,
I'm living on replay,
And that's fine...
I wish you could see what I'm seeing...
But this is my day dream...

Kristen LeBlanc

It may not make perfect sense to the world but it is what I want to do and continue to do.